About a year and a half ago, I was suddenly faced with a possible diagnosis I wasn’t sure how to handle. As a single mother of 3, the repercussions could have been devastating. Brave face on, as always, I tried to figure out how to face the upcoming tests and biopsies and keep up appearances.
It was then that the Universe saw fit to give me a gift, bringing into our world a man who brought back a sparkle to my eye and laughter to my day. This big mountain of a man would quite literally melt at times at the site of my smile, giving me some idea of that “feminine mystique” I’ve heard tell of. In the middle of a sentence he would become what could best be described as “gobsmacked”, completely lost in his tracks and mooney eyed. It was absolutely the most wonderful thing ever… ❤️ We would go out and giggle our time away, and he’d somehow miss my trucker mouth due to my girly dress, I assume, and come back to snuggle up on the couch where I would snooze on his lap. He would cover my ears and growl at the TV if anything untoward came on because “she doesn’t need to hear that in her sleep”. Such a sweet man, I love him with my whole being.
My Trinity adored him. And he them. He created a special bond with each of them, no small feat as they are incredibly protective and not exactly trusting of men. He and my youngest even created their own special language together.
We soon discovered that his body had decided to compete with mine, and had far outpaced it in it’s cancer progress. Our time together was to be very, very limited. We lost our beautiful love a year ago.
I had looked at this blank page over and over during that time. As we said goodbye, as I went through my procedures, as I got my all clear earlier this summer. I gave myself permission to wait and heal, and to know when the time was right…. Who would have thought it would be during the rain, at 12:52am, during a migraine??
It’s time to grow again, to start anew. One can become stagnant if you don’t share the things you learned, even if it’s only to remind yourself in the moments of weakness to come, that yes you did learn from this crazy ride.
What have I learned?
Love is beautiful. It is messy and complicated and even though it was a whirlwind that we knew wouldn’t last, I wouldn’t trade one single second of it. Not one! Every single tear I cry/have cried is in honor of a man who was willing to see me for me ~ the good, the bad, the weak, the strong and he loved it all. And I am forever grateful for the chance to have experienced that.
Grief is a bitch. It swings around and bites you in the ass out of the blue over and over. Trips you up over a song, a sunset, a smell… You name it. But, in the end, it still brings you back to a memory that hopefully makes you smile.
Anger doesn’t just go away. I thought it was a process of grief, check it off and you’re done. Nope. Still get angry over the loss. Loss of what coulda, shoulda been. Potent anger sometimes, too. Stupid grief process…
Time… All we have to give someone is our time. Make the most of it with those you love. The one thing I can say, thank goodness, is that I KNOW he knew that he was loved and just how much. I’m glad that is not a regret I have to live with. It’s definitely changing the way I interact with those closest to me as well.
May you find peace in your own grief process and know that you are not alone ❤️
- One Year Anniversary Sunsets