Sensitive Soul

I don’t know if it has anything with being sensitive, but I am easily frustrated. I think that things should be easier to do than they are. I don’t know why. When it is harder to do than expected or takes longer to do than expected, I get unusually frustrated. My pop did too. As a kid, I did not understand. I do now. I understand a lot of things now I did not before.

Sometimes it is even really stupid things that get me frustrated. It could be something as stupid as dropping a towel on the floor or getting some clothing stuck on a door or drawer handle. And yet, other times, the same things don’t bother me at all. I guess it is all about the mood.

Sometimes it is a bigger issue. Sometimes it is something like calling someone for help like customer service and you just can’t get help. Or maybe it is filling out an online form telling someone you want more information and they don’t respond. Then I wonder why is there an online form if no one responds. Or maybe it is trying to get help with your taxes not being filed and the person who is supposed to help won’t talk to you.

When frustrated, I respond one of two ways I may simply say some “bad” word and then it is over. Other times I may go on a rant for a while. Then when I am worn out I stop.

Sometimes I really wonder why I get so frustrated. I try to understand. I evaluate the emotions. Normally, I just don’t know. On the big things I think it may have something to do with the saying “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”. The thing is that I would treat others way better than they treat me. I would be more considerate. I would have sympathy and/or empathy. I would say “I’m sorry”. I would keep people up to date on my progress in helping them.

Anyway, that is my life. So frustrating.

Today is 8/13/25 and the people did my taxes have not filed them. I know that my state taxes have not been filed, but I am uncertain about the federal return.

On 3/3/25, I thought all was fine. The forms were filled out. The man said I don’t have to pay because the refund from the state will pay the fees.

It was on 7/28/25 that I became concerned when I got a bill for the fees. I called and they hung up on me. On 7/29/25 I called to let them know that the state taxes had not been filed. I called the state tax board because I wanted to know what happened to my refund.

The district office who sent the bill refuses to talk to me. My only connection is one of the Vice Presidents I found on LinkedIn.

This is so ridiculous. They should have this taken care of by now. The people in this district who are working on it have questions. What questions? Everything was fine on 3/3/25. If they have questions, they should ask ME.

Last thought is Jackson Hewitt sucks.

I would guess it has been in the neighborhood of two months now that my neighbors have a new dog. She was a stray they took in. They have 2 other dogs. These other dogs are exclusively indoor dogs. They only come out to do their business which is often in my front yard (including poop not picked up).

The new dog is exclusively outdoors. I don’t think they ever let her inside. Sensitive soul me is very disturbed by this.

One, dogs are pack animals. We are their pack. This sweet girl is being excluded from the pack. I would guess it makes her sad. The only time she is with anyone is when someone comes out to the patio to smoke or maybe when they come out in the evenings to be outside. I don’t even care if they are noisy all night long as it gives her company.

Two, she is bored. It breaks my heart to hear her in the morning crying. I know she would like to play through the fence with my dog. But they don’t want her to bark. So not only is she denied the chance to play my dog can’t play or have fun either. Furthermore, I don’t want to do anything to get her to bark because I don’t want them to get angry with her. So, the weirdo I am, I tiptoe around my yard to keep the noise down.

I know that is nuts to most people. But, that’s how I am. Do I care too much? I don’t know. I probably do. But I feel for her in my soul. I don’t know how to be any other way, and maybe I don’t want to be any other way.

I would guess it has been in the neighborhood of two months now that my neighbors have a new dog. She was a stray they took in. They have 2 other dogs. These other dogs are exclusively indoor dogs. They only come out to do their business which is often in my front yard (including poop not picked up).

The new dog is exclusively outdoors. I don’t think they ever let her inside. Sensitive soul me is very disturbed by this.

One, dogs are pack animals. We are their pack. This sweet girl is being excluded from the pack. I would guess it makes her sad. The only time she is with anyone is when someone comes out to the patio to smoke or maybe when they come out in the evenings to be outside. I don’t even care if they are noisy all night long as it gives her company.

Two, she is bored. It breaks my heart to hear her in the morning crying. I know she would like to play through the fence with my dog. But they don’t want her to bark. So not only is she denied the chance to play my dog can’t play or have fun either. Furthermore, I don’t want to do anything to get her to bark because I don’t want them to get angry with her. So, the weirdo I am, I tiptoe around my yard to keep the noise down.

I know that is nuts to most people. But, that’s how I am. Do I care too much? I don’t know. I probably do. But I feel for her in my soul. I don’t know how to be any other way, and maybe I don’t want to be any other way.

I used to hear couples say they were getting divorced because they were growing apart. I never got that until now.

I am on a very special journey. I am growing as a person, as a spiritual being. That’s great and all. I am very happy with the person I am growing into. The hard part is that I don’t have anyone on this path with me.

I don’t have anyone with whom to talk about my thoughts or experiences. At the same time, my friends would not understand. More than that, the one person with whom I am the closest, her journey is pretty much the opposite belief system. We could never discuss these contradicting beliefs.

It really makes me feel so alone. I want to share my growth, but I have no audience. Maybe it is just a journey for one. Maybe it is just the sort of journey one takes alone? But I really think that any road one takes is best taken with another.

I don’t know how many times I say “I hate…”. I sort of do and I sort of don’t. In the moment, I am filled with hate. But then I take a breath and I think to myself “I don’t hate ____, but I hate something.

For example, I may say “I hate people”, but I take a breath and think “I hate when people do ____”. It is still hate. The focus has changed.

Yet, I still say “I hate” numerous times a day. I do it when I am overly frustrated. I may be tired. I may feel defeated. I may feel hopeless. I may want to surrender.

But at the same time I don’t give up. I keep on trying. I don’t even know why. For ten years, life has become progressively worse. I keep waiting for my life to hit rock bottom.

It is really stupid for people to say life will get better. Things will turn around. Bad times don’t last forever. Because there is nothing to prove that otherwise. How long does it take to turn around? I don’t just idly stand by waiting for change. I try to make things better. But everything I try fails.

I hate my life. Okay, so I don’t hate my life. I hate the struggle. I hate the going through this disaster all alone. I wish I had some joy.

Life should be happy, healthy, joyful, loving and alive. I am mostly healthy. I am alive. I am loving, but no one is loving toward me. I just need to work on the happy, joyful parts.

If you have a sensitive human in your life, please please be gentle with them. They aren’t like others. Their complex nervous systems and tender hearts become overwhelmed easily.

Noise, crowds, arguments, violence, harsh words, raised voices, energy shifts, anger and unrest will be enough for a sensitive person to shut down.

They may not say a lot, their world is internal. You will find them among animals and nature, it brings them peace. They are the peacemakers, the healers, and the angels who tread the earth so lightly.

One thing I have in common with my pop is always searching. I am always searching for something. A better way of life. A way to make more money. A way to be at peace.

He was never satisfied and neither am I. He did well in life. He had a good career as a doctor. He had a wife who adored him and would do anything for him. But he still searched.

I, on the other hand, have failed at life. I have not had a career. I have not had any relationship. So I think I am justified in searching.

At this time of my life, I give up I guess. I don’t know how to make a life. I just struggle. It gets harder every day. I’m not even searching anymore. I just struggle. I have tried just about everything I can. I try and fail. I don’t know what to try anymore. People say things will get better. You will see. I have been trying to make life better for 10 years now, and they just get worse.

I surrender.

One of the most valuable things we have in life is touch. There is something about being touched in a loving way that really heals you. I used to like getting my feet tickled. Someone asked me how I could stand it. I really liked it. I really like the sensation of fingers barely touching my skin.

As a child, of course, my mom would rub my back or my arms. And then there were the sleepy glasses. A tradition passed down from grandma to mom. This is making circles around the eyes and around the ears to make imaginary sleepy glasses. They are meant to help a little one get to sleep. In a way, they did. It was so relaxing.

After my mom had her stroke, I would gently touch her face. I know how much she liked it. She would close her eyes and relax and say, “Your touch”. It was hard to stop. It was such a simple thing to do, but it meant so much.

Even our pets like it. When you hold your pet’s head in your hand and give a gentle touch about the face, you can see how much it means. And for dogs don’t forget the butt rub.

Problem is that I am all alone. There is no one here to provide any touch anymore. So, I have to do it myself. Sometimes I will touch my arm ever so lightly to have that sensation. Sometimes I do the sleepy glasses. It’s better when someone else it there to do it. But you do what you have to do.

Don’t take any loving touch for granted. When it is gone, it is gone.

As a child not having siblings or friends for the most part, I learned early on that I had to do things all by myself. Sometimes I like it that way. You can do it your way. But sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it is crazy hard, and you want to give up. This is especially true with putting things together.

I don’t know how many times I have thought if someone could be here to just…. it would be so much easier. But no one is there and I feel so alone. I am determined to do the project but it is harder than it should be. There have been times I wanted to do something, assemble something and the product description says it will take 3-4 people to do the project. At that point, I have to choose another way of having something similar, but usually not so good. But then I just have to shrug my shoulders and accept that is the best I can do alone.

I don’t even know how to accept help. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel I owe someone a favor or money if they help. I don’t want to owe anyone anything so I prefer they just don’t help.

I have had imaginary friends all my life.

Don’t get the wrong idea. These are not voices in my head. These are imaginary friends I purposely make up. Someone I know thought I was schizophrenic. I am not. I know the difference.

I’m lonely. The only way to have an interesting life and to have help with life decisions is to have imaginary family and friends. I have a group of friends. There are six of us and we are known by others as the “six pack”. In this group is my spouse, and two other couples. We are close. They are the ones with whom I share my life. I have one of them around all the time. It changes based on the time of day. They help me to figure out what to do. I discuss my life with them and options. It is sort of like talking out loud to yourself, but more interesting.

I also have imaginary an imaginary family. I am the oldest of four kids. I have a real family, but they are not part of my life. So I make up other people. They all have very distinct personalities. This goes for my family and friends.

If this is not weird enough, my imaginary me has an imaginary life. In this imaginary life I am the captain of a ship and they all work with me. It is all quite entertaining. I do this to feel important and not so weird about my life. It is my way of having success in life and being great at something. I don’t have any real skills in life. I am fair at a lot of things but not great.

I do think I could be great at counseling people. Which may seem weird due to my weird life. But really. I am a trained counselor. I get people. I have a lot of empathy.

So, I can’t be the only person who lives like this. You may or may not know someone who is as lonely as I am. Even if you have someone in your life who is like me you will probably not know because who would admit it? Just be aware that there are a lot of lonely people. I know because I have talked to thousands of people over the years who are very lonely. They came to me for help but were not willing to pay for counseling services. Why? They had given up all hope.