Seeing other people laughing and enjoying life for most people I would think it would make them happy. Most people would smile and laugh along when others are having a good time.
For me, I get sad. I know that sounds terrible. I should be happy for them. There is a small part of me that is. But mostly I am sad. I am sad because I am left out and I don’t have happy times.
If you are a normal person, you may say so why don’t you go out and have some fun. Because I don’t know how. It may be hard to understand, but I don’t know how to have fun. I don’t know how to have a good time.
What most people do for fun either does not sound like fun to me or it sounds fun but I can’t do it by myself because that would not be fun. For me, even when I do attempt to have fun, I just don’t. I know a lot of people will say I have a bad attitude. Maybe that is a little true. But more it is that I just feel such a lack of energy that I can’t muster up the energy to have fun. It takes a lot for me to get to the point of fun. So I don’t do anything. I really have very little interest in doing things.
Then I sit around and wonder what is wrong with me. Why is it so hard for me to have a fun time? My best guess is that I don’t want to do things alone because most things are not fun alone. And I am alone. I don’t have anyone to do things with me. I think about things that I think would be fun, but it takes effort to do. I really can’t think of anything that I can do alone to have fun.
What do I do to fill the void at least a little? I imagine having fun. I come up with a scenario of something I think would be fun, and then I spend time imagining that I am doing it. I can spend all day on this. I smile. I enjoy my day. I’m not alone for my imaginary people are all a part of this fantasy.
Is that pathetic? Is that weird? Is it unhealthy? I don’t know. It works. It gives me pleasure. Without this, I really don’t know what I would do.