When you live alone, you have to take on all the responsibilities alone. That may be fine with some people. For me, it isn’t. I don’t like making all the decisions alone. I don’t like having to decide what insurance company I should have. This is for car, health, and home insurance.

Things need repair. Who should I call? It is more than that. It is making sure you get taken care of properly when someone does come to do repair.

It’s also having money to live. I barely scrape by. That’s my fault. But I don’t feel I can buy anything. I feel so alone. I don’t enjoy life trying to make it on my own. I try and try to find a way to make more money, but I just can’t figure it out.

I don’t enjoy life at all. I hate my life. I hate it. I’m not living. I barely survive. What keeps me going? My dog. Sure, I’m grateful for what I have. But sometimes I want to just give it all up and live in a camper at the beach. But that is no life for a dog. Maybe when she is gone, I will do that. I really feel desperate to be free of all these life decisions.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

I have almost always been alone. We are not meant to be alone. Let’s not get confused here. I am not simply saying I live alone. That would be very different. Just living alone is not being almost always alone. I know people who live alone who still have full lives. They go out to eat, to movies, on trips, to parties and jobs. They are not spending nearly every minute alone.

I do. I have been mostly alone my entire life. I have a half-brother and half-sister but I grew up as an only child. I have had few friends in my life. And I have had no relationships. None.

I don’t have a job. My only interaction with others is at the grocery store. It is hard to not have anyone with whom you can talk. When I do have a chance to talk to others, I can be very chatty. I don’t want the conversation to end. But it does.

I do have a dog. Her name is Nanook. I talk to her a lot. But all she can do is wag her tail and bark. It is nice to have her though. She will probably be my last pet. I don’t want to take on any more pets as I am already 61 years old and I would not have anyone to take care of my pet if something were to happen to me. Anyway, there will be more on this alone theme. I will dive deeper on it.

Maybe just maybe you know someone who is alone a lot if not all the time. If you learn about my struggle, it may help you to understand that person. That is why I do this. I want to create understanding.

I love casinos. I have not gone for some time now. One, I don’t live as close to one as I used to. And two, I lose.

I used to go to this one casino that was 30 minutes away. I used to go there just for the buffet. I would play and then eat. That was something I did once a month. Then they changed the dining “rules” with the “pandemic”. The buffet is still there but it isn’t a buffet so to speak. You tell the servers what you want and they get it for you.

That is not a buffet. I like to get my own food. I get exactly what I want and how much I want. I get it just the way I want it. Plus, you have to be a certain level of player to be able to go and I am not that level. So I can’t eat there anymore even if I want to. Plus, they are not open for lunch and that is what I would want.

The buffet made it worthwhile. After 2020, it seemed harder to win. I used to win and lose fairly evenly. Then I just seemed to lose all the time. I am a poor loser. When I win, it is all good. When I lose, I am miserable.

I know what they say don’t play if you can’t lose. I can lose the money, but I don’t want to. It is not fun. When I am winning, all is good. Other people win I can smile and nod and think to myself, good for you. When I am losing, all is terrible. If someone wins near me, all I think is why didn’t I sit there?

So in summary I like casinos but only when I am winning.

I had a great childhood. At one time, we had horses. At one time, we lived right on the water with our own boat dock. I would ride my bicycle all over. When I was in the first, second and third grades, my friends and I would play our version of polo riding our bicycles.

Life was simpler then. I am at that age where we rode in the back of pickup trucks and on the top of the rear seat in a convertible. For fun we rode our bikes to the local convenience store grab a bottle of RC cola and as many Zotz candies we could afford at 1 cent each. Then we would ride home. We would explore the dried up river bed and walk barefoot on the ashes of burned leaves in the apricot orchard.

That may not sound like much, but we were happy. We didn’t look at a smart phone constantly. I like the idea of having phones for kids so they can be reached or reach their parents in an emergency. But to be constantly looking at a screen or listening to music is a big NO for me.

They say stop looking at the past. Grandma used to say you can’t go forward looking in the rear view mirror. But for me when I think of certain times, the happiness is there in the past. It isn’t here in the present. If I want happiness I find it one of two places.

One is in the past. One is in my imagination. I can smile and have fun in those two places. It’s nice, but sad all at the same time. What can I say?

This was one of my favorite songs as a child. There are multiple theories about the meaning. I think my meaning is different. Here is my take:

A boy grows up and stops playing with Puff.

Puff ceases his fearless roar his head bent in sorrow green scales fell like rain.

Without his life-long friend, Puff could not be brave. The mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave.

The boy lost his innocence, child hood. He becomes an adult. As we grow older, we often let go of childhood things and life is dragging or dragin’

I think it is sad. I feel for Puff because that is how I am. He loses his one and only friend and now is alone. Puff needed the boy for strength. Without the boy he is no longer fearless and hides away.

This is what it is to be alone. Maybe I am like Puff. I am fearless and brave with others around but alone I hide. My head is bent in sorrow. And I am dragin’.

   

I’ve Never Been To Me post #9

Have you heard the song “I’ve never been to me” by Charlene?

I really relate to much of it. I did not have all the good times and exciting adventures but I’ve never been to me. Below are some of the lyrics that stand out to me:

“I’ve Never Been To Me”

Hey lady, you lady
Cursing at your life
You’re a discontented mother
And a regimented wife
I’ve no doubt you dream about
The things you’ll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you

Whoooa, I’ve been to Georgia
And California and anywhere I could run…
But I ran out of places
And friendly faces
Because I had to be free

Hey, you know what paradise is
It’s a lie
A fantasy we create about people
And places as we’d like them to be
But you know what truth is
It’s that little baby you’re holding
And it’s that man you fought with this morning
The same one you’re going to make love with tonight
That’s truth, that’s love

Sometimes I’ve been to crying
For unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I, I took the sweet life
I never knew
I’d be bitter from the sweet

See, I have spent a lot of time searching for things, for happiness and I have not found it. I get that from my pop. He was the same. He had so much, but searched for something. He never found it. I have always had that desire to be free. I still do. This makes me think of another expression: Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. I feel that is where I am headed. To a life with nothing left to lose.

Paradise just may be something we create in our head. A fantasy we create about people And places as we’d like them to be.

I do cry not only for the children I did not have (even though I never actually wanted to be pregnant) but also for the man I never had. The one to help me to get through this life. My life does not seem complete as it is. What makes it complete? The imaginary people. The imaginary spouse. The imaginary family and friends. That is how I make it complete.

I never had the sweet. I have only know the bitter.

This topic is a bit different. It isn’t as much about my not fitting in. It is about the frustration of losing weight. I want to lose weight. I see these ads on how to walk and lose weight. I really doubt it.

I do know someone my age,61, who told me she started walking and lost weight. Okay I believe her. But here is the deal. I used to have a job where I walked all day. I did 30,000 or more steps a day. I also had to push heavy carts around. So it was good exercise. Several months ago I started walking one hour a day. Nothing happened. Then I got a bicycle and rode an hour a day. Nothing happened. I was hoeing my yard for 1 to 1.5 hours a day and nothing happened. I cut back on food intake and nothing happened.

So I recently started walking 10,000 steps a day and I ride my bike 4 days a week for an hour. That is a considerable amount of exercise. On top of that I do weight lifting at home and sit-ups and push-ups. I have not weighed myself for weeks. Why? Because I am afraid I have either not lost or worse gained.

Time will tell. But I have my doubts. Nothing in the past has worked. And really, the number of calories I burn in walking is so minimal, according to the app, that I can’t believe that it will work.

I do meditation some. And I tell myself to stop waiting for things to get better and also to lift the weight of the world off of me. When I get brave, I will check the scale. Hopefully, all of this walking will work.

I don’t deal with neighbors very well. The neighbors are good people more or less. But I really can’t deal with them. Right now they have a stray dog in the yard. It is scared and barking. It does not help that my dog encourages it to bark. So someone comes out and is all angry. “Don’t bark.”  To that, how I want to respond is to scream. Not any words. Just scream. But I know that would not be good

I am the person who likes to have her dog play and bark through the fence. I’m okay with it. But to be considerate I brought my dog in and closed the door to keep the other dog from barking. It is the considerate thing to do.

It’s too hot for the dogs to run and play anyway. But other times when I hear the neighbors say just about anything I can’t listen. I can’t because it hurts in a weird way. I can’t really explain it. I have too much empathy or sensitivity to the world.

I like having the door open as much as possible. It gives my dog the opportunity to go in and out as she pleases. But when I can’t take the neighbors anymore I go in and close it. I either hide or go to sleep to avoid.

Right now I am a nervous wreck because I don’t want the stray dog to bark. On the other side, I have to tell my dog she can’t go out and play and that breaks my heart. But life is about choices and keeping my dog in is the better choice. I hope they find the owner soon.

I am an empath. What that means is that I am really sensitive to the world. Even the slightest idea that someone person or animal is hurting I feel it. It can be overwhelming. It may be much ado about nothing. Actually, it probably is. But I am bothered by any noise that has even the slightest hint of pain be it mental, emotional or physical.

Let me start with people. I really don’t like listening to kids scream. I know they are normally having fun, but it still irritates. On the other side of things, I can’t listen to a baby or child cry. It could be that they are crying because they are sad or hungry or just want attention. Whatever the reason, it hurts me. I don’t know what is wrong. So, the empath I am wants the crying to end. I guess I figure if the crying has stopped, then the issue has been resolved.

I want to make a side note on crying. I cry easily. I am sure I will talk about that later. But from my life coach training, I will tell you that crying fills the basic need for love and connection. There are four basic needs. Crying is a way to fill that need by giving love and connection to the self.

Let me move on to animals. This could be animals in the wild say in the woods somewhere. But I am talking about domesticated animals. There are a lot of cats around here. Most have someone to feed them. But when I hear a cat or kitten cry my heart aches. I hope they are just being impatient with the food being handed out.

Then there are dogs. It breaks my heart to hear a dog bark or cry. Are they hurt? Are they scared? Are they alone? Whatever the case may be, I feel for them. I want to help them. At my last home, the man was not exactly abusive to his dogs, but he was not kind either. At times he would lock them in a crate for 10-12 hours a day. These were outdoor dogs, and this, to me was cruel. They would often have a blanket over their crate. It’s cruel. They could not eat or drink, or go to the bathroom. It was sometimes hot. I tried to help but the animal welfare people from the local shelter did nothing. It bothers me. It may be nothing, but to hear a dog cry breaks my heart.

Now, lets expand this just a bit. I’ve told you that neighbor noise bothers me. I worry about kids and pets. So when I hear a parent say anything to a child I think is mean, I freak out a little. The other day a young father told his child to put on a shirt and shoes, and it bothered me. I don’t know why. It did. He did not yell. It bothered me. It is hard to be me. And when I hear someone say that is a bad dog, it takes all the energy I have to not scream. They are not yelling or hitting or anything. I know my neighbors like their pets, but it bothers me to have them say bad dog. It was in a calm tone. No one hurt the dog. I guess in my mind there is the possibility someone will hurt the child or the dog, and I think that is what gets to me. It is the possibility that it may happen.

Okay, there you have my sensitivity to children and animals crying. Fun times.

When people think about people being sensitive to noise, they often think about veterans and post traumatic syndrome. It could be anyone who has a connection with loud noises and a bad experience. But I would say that I am sensitive to noises.

It isn’t that I want to hide when I hear loud noises. It is more that I just don’t want to hear them. I don’t like fireworks. They scare animals and people, and so they make me nervous. I guess I don’t really understand why people like them so much. It is also just the noise of things like parties.

I guess the problem is that I don’t like parties because people are having a good time. But it is still annoying. I like it really quiet. In my last house, the man was abusive. So when he played the music loudly I always thought it was to hide any abusive noise. Then I would wonder if he was hurting his wife. That was bad enough, but then I would hope he would not hurt his two dogs. I don’t think he ever did. But I would turn the television up high so as to not hear him.

I really don’t like a lot of noise, any noise. I know that it is hard to avoid noise. I live on a street with a lot of traffic. I do my best to block the sound. I focus on good sounds like birds. Then on a regular basis I can hear a train whistle. That is always soothing. I don’t know why but I think it has something about it that takes us back to simpler days.

Today, I try to keep the television off. I enjoy sitting in a quiet room. But if the neighbors are making noise. I will turn on the television and the volume is up loud to try to block out the noise. It doesn’t work too well, but it helps.